It’s finally festival season! With major concerts such as Coachella and Bonnaroo ushering us into summer, we still have numerous concerts and the likes of Lollapalooza to look forward to. With all the great music and massive gatherings, it’s highly likely a minute percentage will partake in some sort of illegal hallucinogenic activity. While concert-goers are busy seeing colors they’ve never seen in any rainbow, chances are the cops might have something to say about it.
It’s the oldest game of cat and mouse, so for this week’s Bargument, we’ve chosen the most legendary policeman in all of cinema to battle it out with the most ubiquitous means of seeing things that aren’t really there.
On the one hand, we have the protagonist from one of the most graphically violent statements on the pitfalls of over-indulgent (and therefore waning) capitalism, on the other, we have the sick man’s over-the-counter remedy doubling as poor man’s hallucinogen. Aside from the first three letters of their name, they have very little else in common. Or do they? After all, they both also wear a helmet. Safety first!
Occupation
- To rid the world of the common thief
- To rid one of the more dubious symptoms of the common cold
Robitussin. It doesn’t completely get rid of a cold, but Robocop doesn’t completely get rid of crime. It is, however, readily available at your nearest drug store. Meanwhile, there’s rarely EVER a cop around when you need one. Especially not one generated from genuine Detroit scrap metal.
Active Ingredient
- Peter Weller
- DM
Robocop. Here was a guy that got very little work after playing Robocop, and then 20 years later he shows up along side Kieffer Sutherland for a season of 24 emerging as an even bigger badass, followed with a badass role on Dexter just last year. DM on the other hand is kinda like the cherry bomb firecrackers your granddad had. You’ve heard about ‘em all your life and how powerful they are, and though they still make them, you’re buying a watered-down version of legendary mischief. Chances are the DM will be further D-minished after posting this Bargument.
Trajectory
- Using just one highly modified Beretta M93R and the most advanced weapons trajectory software for the time, Robocop was 99% effective at stopping assailants with deadly force in a single shot.
- To the uninitiated, downing a whole bottle of the stuff will cause uncontrollable projectile vomiting.
Robocop. Probably the only physical comedy funnier than projectile vomiting are spit-takes, and this is because the comedic timing has to be perfect. While TV shows like Family Guy and SNL have mastered it, in real life chances are very slim you could have that kind of control. If you could harness your hurl, you’d have a serious peace-keeping weapon, because it doesn’t kill and only brings shame. But, if someone’s tripping balls, they don’t care who they barf all over and will do so repeatedly. There’s not a damn thing funny about that unless someone’s secretly filming your ass for YouTube. We’ll take Murphy’s 50-round Auto–9 any day over that shit.
License to Kill
- Leaving a bloody swath all the way to his doorstep, Robocop makes 007 look like a girl scout.
- Seemingly docile while on the shelf, undoubtedly, wayward teens in look of a headtrip have taken things too far.
Robocop. The body count is so high for him that only each perpetrator’s guilt and the fact that he’s mostly machine insulate natural feelings of remorse.
World View
- Except for flashbacks, Robocop sees the entire world through a crosshair. And, thanks to the targeting software, all newcomers in his life are first seen as a potential threat.
- Aside from flashbacks, your Robotrip can be anything you want it to be! Just have a good babysitter on hand to steer your hallucinations in the right direction.
Robotussin. Hey, we understand the constable on patrol is a badass, but we like our eggs like our disposition. That is, sunny side up!
At 3-2, we gotta side with the Man on this one. Besides, thanks to the interwebs, they’re erecting a statue of Robocop in downtown Detroit! Get on the bandwagon here: http://detroitneedsrobocop.com/. A round of Gerber Gimlets on the house in his honor. We only hope there’s a director out there with the balls enough to bring this Frankenstein’s monster back. In the meantime, watch the speed limit and keep songs like “F*** Tha Police” to a whisper as you creep.
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